[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
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The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*