To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.