The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.