mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek