your elf on the shelf was delicious
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Had to try this trend 😊
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..