Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
This rocks
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.