We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.