My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.