Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
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[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.