[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.