I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
North and South
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question