My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Spring of Deception
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.