As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
You Might Also Like
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.