I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My dog ate my work from home.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now