God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.