Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*checks Timeline*…
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter