This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar