Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.