Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.