🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’d hang this in my house.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.