I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.