You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Xylophonist Shredding It
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?