Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?