[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
my dad has had enough
Someone just threatened to call me later