Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?