My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Oceanography is all about current events
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
At least my masseuse has my back.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…