Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My what?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.