ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
This could be us… but you playing
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”