What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
this is the greatest thing ever
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.