No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Bless you
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.