To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
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*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Finally, a door that understands me
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.