Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?