If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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nature’s most graceful animal
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic