I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
me when I see my crush
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: