Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
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I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Isn’t
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.