i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
💁🏻♂️
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy