I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no