Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.