Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
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My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”