sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️