if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
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The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends