[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
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Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Very good news from my accountant
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.