Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
grotesque if literal: baby food
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room