[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Sponch
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Dead sexy!!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.