[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
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