Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.