(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews