Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.