[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.