[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.